Unikate

It's true. I've switched hobbies.

Whenever something really cool happens to me I can't help but think 'man I can't wait to blog about this!'
...I mean, if I could, I would blog about this RIGHT NOW!
...
If there was a computer around, I would blog about this instead of living it.
Fuck.
Too bad I have to live it before I can write about it in my blog.
If I could, I would blog about my life BEFORE IT HAPPENS.
Shit, I should call Steven Hawking... I think I found the key to time travel. I would blog about things at warp speed so that I would actually bend the time-space continuum, loop right back around and blog into the future!

I just got back from Dana's parents' father's day party. Me, Dana, Gina, Jon and a herd of little kids were hanging out on the deck when Dr. Dave emerged from the house. "Hey kids, who wants to see my bird?" he said.
"Uhhh, what bird?"
"You haven't seen my bird?!? ...come on, follow me!"
All of the kids (and a few of the neighbors) followed him over to this metal pole to the right of the patio where everyone was eating. Propped up was a small feathery bird. Dr. Dave picked it up and spread it's wings and proceeded to simulate flight at child's eye view. There was a perverse grin on his face. It took me a minute to realize that the bird was realistic, yes- but it also wasn't moving... It was dead. The children scattered with confused looks on their faces. Dave just grinned. He propped the bird back up on the metal pole.
"Beautiful isn't it? It must have just flown into the window thinking it was the sky. ...Flawless."
"Uhhh, Dad?"
"Yeah, I found it outside a few days ago..."
"So it is dead?"
"Yeah, it's dead but look how perfect it is."
"That's disgusting!"
"Don't worry, I've been keeping it in a mug in the freezer so it would keep... at least until the party."
"WHAT!?!"
"You know my bird collection- the one at the office? It's past the kid's prize basket. I have all of those bean-bag birds that have sensors so they chirp as you move by. Well, it's my thing. If I keep freezing 'Goldie' here I can just lay him out and... (hehe) people would just be like 'Oh, there's another one of Dave's birds...' and they would just keep walking. Hell, I could even put another sensor right next to him and he would chirp just like the rest of them," he said, puffing a cigarette.
"Dad?"
At this point Dana's mom chimed in. "You know we buy him a solar powered house number display, a portable DVD player, and a radio transmitter for his iPOD and what does he play with on father's day? A dead bird! HAhaAHHAHAHahahahahAHAHAhahahhhhaaa ha..."

"I would take him to a taxidermist but then he wouldn't be quite as soft. They stuff them so tight. It is just amazing that he is so completely flawless."
"You're just going to keep a dead bird in our freezer?"
"I may get rid of him before vacation. I was really just wanting to keep him nice for the party... Here, would you like a tortilla chip?" said Dr. Dave, dangling a plain chip in front of our faces.
"Have you washed your hands?"
"I washed my hands- I swear! Ask aunt Tina, she just saw me!" Dr. Dave smirked.
"DAD, you are LYING!"
"Well, I'm going to see if any of the cousins are hungry. Have fun girls!"

Dana took pictures of her dad holding the bird with the sick grin on his face. I promise to post them as soon as she sends them to me.

Are you serious? It think it's pretty fishy that this man would just randomly rape some girl in Mark J while her lab partner stepped out.

Also, check out my parent's garden. This article was on the cover of the homestyle section of the Detroit Free Press today as publicity for the Milford garden tour.

...My mom claims that she was misquoted to sound cutesy and pretentious.

Going to career services is a lot like not going to career services. You go in there knowing that you have no answers. You leave knowing that there are no answers.



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I work roughly 7.5 hours a day. Multiply that times nine (for one full pay period minus memorial day) and what do you get?

67.5 (feel free to check my math here)

I got my second paycheck last week. It was for 57.5 hours. I thought about it for a while...
I didn't want to go through the awkward interaction where I ask the owners if I could look at my timecards for the last pay period so I took my mother's advice- I started writing down my exact hours. As I was clocking out today I searched for a pen and wrote down the time I clocked out. I was approached by one of the owners and had the following interaction with him.

"Kate, I have bad news can I talk to you for a moment?"
"Ok"
"I just saw you adding up your hours and- we have too many people working here right now so I have to let you go."

The conversation went on briefly from there but you get the idea.

consequently, who wants to hang out tomorrow?


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I'm not sad. I acknowledge that I am probably the problem considering that I have had problems with my last (hmmm lets count... Mr. Greeks, aut/bar, and Underground Printing- ahh yes) three Jobs but I KNOW that I am smart, easy going and fully capable of gainful employment.
I should get a job writing about what sucks about having a job.

In the end I asked Ryan one more time "Why?"
"Because with all of the people we have back there things are just not getting done, although we do appreciate your effort with the squeegees and everything."

Ha!

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

I saw a rainbow today. It was arched over 94. I tried to enjoy it for as long as I could without crashing my car.

It took me a while to settle into my new routine. I'm settled now. I had an oddly spontaneous weekend. I rode my bike to and from work yesterday. The endorphins help with the reality that I basically went to college for four years so I can spend my summer using chemicals to clean other chemicals off of things.

...I'm pissed off at Comcast. I feel like their unfair business tactics are a metaphor for the bullshit state of our country.

either that or too much NPR...

I thought of a way to fix the United States without being accused of being a communist. (Americans may not understand communism but they are all fairly sure it involves standing in lines...lines that go on forever- and that it's bad.) Basically it involves two strategic entities. 1) In the true spirit of capitalism someone should invent another government to compete with our existing government. 2) The new government would have to put together a really rockin country music band to sell it's politics. Americans could choose which to subscribe to. If one government pisses them off they can threaten to switch. The other government may be the SBC to the Comcast "status quoe" offering a lesser high speed internet, unreliable satellite dish and the icing on the cake- a land line, but it would be nice to have some recourse.

Check out my personality.

I have been obsessed with this test for years although this particular analysis is the best I have ever come across. It really doesn't take that long.

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My orange hair-
If you ever see me walking around with fluorescent orange hair, just give me a hug. I don't know what is wrong with me. I woke up this morning at 7:30am and I just couldn't shake this feeling of disillusionment (with a touch of boredom and depression). ...it has grown exponentially since I got a job. Forty hours a week isn't enough to fill these strange hours of zoning out with my eyes crossed, $7.00 beer in hand.

Today I was assigned the menial task of cleaning ink off of squeegees. Thus far I have been burning screens, applying polymer and learning the manual press- I'm fairly sure they are trying to squeeze all the worth they can get out of that extra dollar an hour. Anyway, I was working with this solvent and my face kept itching. It got pretty annoying. It didn't take long before my stomach started to twist up and cause a great deal of pain. I went into the dark room to talk to Kevin (uptight dude in charge of training me). He noticed that I kept scratching and asked what was wrong. I told him that something in the shop was irritating the skin on my face. He stooped in for a closer look and said "Yeah, It looks like your face is pretty swollen." My eyes widened-
"Are you SERIOUS!"
"Well, I don't usually look at your face but judging from the puffiness, I think you're having an allergic reaction." Panicked, I excused myself to the bathroom, gazed into the mirror and you wanna know what? My face looked totally normal.

It must be part of his "no eye-contact with the trainee" policy. Ouch!

I finally had a conversation that I had been practicing for years now. I almost cried a few times- I hate showing emotion. It's ok, we are definitely familiar with each other's worst. In a way it's disappointing and comforting both at the same time.

All Things Considered did a segment about people getting fired from their jobs for the contents of their personal blogs. I thought about calling in but I had no point. All I really wanted to do was talk about "trunk-butt."

...I always have to leave the best and the worst details of my life out of this internet dribble.

The moment I walked into Underground Printing I went into culture shock. It's a giant warehouse that is home to three mutant-spider-like contraptions cranking out thousands of Pistons t-shirts by the second. The fact that I had gotten zero sleep the night before, was suffering from dangerously low blood sugar and iron, had no money to purchase food or water and had cramps up and down my neck, back and uterus didn't help matters. Fortunately I can see the bright side. Judging from his voice on the phone I suspected that the guy who hired me was way hot. I was right- of course he managed to mention his wife within the first five minutes of conversation.
He offered me a certain hourly wage. I offered him another. He offered me something in the middle. I grimised and he caved. Yay me! (I'm totally addicted to negotiating money right now.)

On a personal note-
I would like to thank Michelle for showing me a good time during the week I was broke. Thank you for taking me out to eat- I had gotten sick of eating chicken broth and onions. You are always so generous. I will get you back soon, no worries.

Ok, I'm off to a late start on my evening. Tonight is proof that I only have two and a half friends. Ok- that's a lie but sheesh- that semester I spent always busy with homework while constantly socializing at work contrasted with my new job/situation made me realize that I am going to have to really adjust to existing totally in my head at work. I need some books on CD to load on to my Ipod or something, otherwise I'm just going to stand there all day while my mind concocts weird sex fantasies and thats... well... frustrating.

Yesterday was completely miserable. It was the first day of unemployment that I spent with absolutely NOTHING to do, no money and no motivation to entertain myself. The day began with a woman from my credit union yelling at me and it snowballed from there. I spent the entire day waiting by my phone for a call back from Underground Printing that didn't come until early this morning. I am starting a two day trial period with them tomorrow. All I know about t-shirt printing is what I learned in graphic arts in high school. Hopefully that will be enough. The job meets my bare bones minimum for what I need. It's 9:00am to 5:00pm five days a week. I could ride my bike to work, afford to live in Ann Arbor next year, they would probably give me benefits but I don't know. Best of all, I would no longer be working with the public and that would be a nice change. I could wear my shittiest clothes to work and wait to shower until I come home. I would just roll out of bed and ride to work. The whole idea is quite appealing.

I'm still dead set on grad school 2006.

This site was designed to help people who are looking into plastic surgery. It generates perfectly symmetrical images of your face.
Ladies, I suggest trying it with your boobs.



...It took us a minute to get Dana's right- in these pictures she looks like two conjoined twins, the robust one receiving all the nutrients from the placenta while emaciating her twin half to death.



There was also a symmetry rating (expressed as a percentage) that calculates exactly how symmetrical your face is. If you try it you should leave a copy of your results in a comment. It's fun, I promise.

Kate and Joe at Pub13

At exactly 6:50pm on May 10th I ran out of money while shopping at the new Mother Fletcher's. Where the hell is my tax return? It was an important part of my living plan for the next three weeks. No, I don't have a job yet. Yes, I am starting to go insane from it. Because of this torturous job search grad school is starting to look like a cakewalk. I casually mentioned the idea to my mom and she jumped all over it. It is definitely too late to go anywhere this fall so I'm looking at starting in fall 2006. My goal is to teach at a university and pursue my ridiculous dreams in my spare time. Being a lecturer (and later a prof) is the only JOB I that I could actually see myself doing that wouldn't suck my identity away from me. I never wanted a teaching certificate because I never wanted to be like the pathetic souls who stood before me all those years in public school. I want to teach, not baby-sit. I have much research to do, I'm looking at times to take the G.R.E.s. I would go out of state and work at the university hopefully teaching as a G.A. during the two years it would take to get my M.A.. This would leave me one more year to enjoy Ann Arbor. I must admit, I love it here.
Of course, I will still need a shitty job to support myself and a place to live- preferably ALONE!

I went to my first wine tasting yesterday. Nobody could believe I was of age. I had to practically wear my ID as a name tag. I can almost understand the suspicion in a place where the mean age is 49- I was definitely the youngest by decades. For some reason I was super into the sweet wines (I hate sweets). I found a nice sparkling dessert wine that tasted like flowers to me. The best by far was an ice cider wine- $32.00 per tiny bottle. I was talking to one of the reps about selling these cute little campaign splits to Whole Foods (they come in tiny cans that look like Redbulls with a mini straw attached to the side). If only I hadn't run out of money- I would gladly buy case upon case of the cider for my Mom as a belated mother's day gift. When I get paid I'm taking my family and my best friends out to show them a bourgeois good time.

Finally, I got around to renting Attack of the Clones in preparation for Episode III. Why oh why did George Lucas fuck up these movies by computerly animating Yoda? Do we make these decisions just because we have the technology? Is he retarded? Puppets will always be adorable and lifelike- seamlessly dimensional with proper lighting and textures. Even his voice was off- I could have done a better job and I'm not even a fan.

I realized I'm at a cross roads. Its an important post-graduation life choice many modern people must face. Am I ready to break out into reality Tv? I know I have so much to give but I'm not sure if I'm really ready to share it all yet. I know how to build a fire. I learned this winter, it just took me a while. I'm not very strategic and I'm bad with heights. I'm not willing to get married. I sunburn easily.
I am willing to eat anything, and if encouraged I could talk a lot of shit into a private camera.

Taking this picture was harder than I had expected. I was extra careful not to touch the nest. Weeks ago they were six tiny blue eggs. Now there are six little birds all nestled together.
AAAAAAaaaWWwwww.

I think I know what I want to do with my life. It came to me last night while smoking a cigarette after getting high. I was questioning how willing I am to actually work for all the money I have always said I would make. I was thinking that there really is no way I could possibly be happy working somewhere- factory, office, whatever. It occurred to me that waiting for a place to hire me may just hold me back- I'm really not a very effective employee. I was thinking that all the rich people either were born into it, work 75 hour weeks and went to school forever for it, OR THEY GIVE LECTURES TO COMPANIES.
Stay with me here.
I admit that I have a pretty off the wall degree: Communications/Interpretive Performance Studies with a Minor in Psych. What does one do with such a degree??? HHHmmmm? What am I actually qualified for???
Well, I'll tell you.
I am going to get some performers together and we are going to work with companies who give seminars to other companies. (Business consultants) Our performances would be about communication, diversity, conflict resolution, ect.
How easy would that be? It was always a possibility when was part of a Playback Theater group. We were asked to go before companies all the time. We had always toyed with the idea of charging- businesses offered A LOT. Basically, large numbers of employees have to gather to spend day long- weekend long boring fucking seminars for training, consulting, whatever. The employers feel bad because everyone is so bored sitting in the lecture room of some hotel, sipping their mini-Evian waters, so they need to wake them up a bit. That's where I come in. I don't know if I would go scripted or follow an improve format. Its pretty much the most genius idea for a business ever because you have ZERO overhead cost. You may need a website, a fax machine, a DBA "fill in the blank," a bank account, and a few public performances to get your name out there- I wouldn't even need to pay for an office.

Companies are desperate for advice from people- it's pretty much the only thing there is a market for except for loans and dept products.